On the advice of a wonderfully wise fellow writer, I suppose I ought to reveal to you all the source of my own grief. While the telling of the whole story is something I’ve never attempted, I am sure I could fill a book with the ups and downs of my mom’s illness, her passing, and the beginning of my grief. Here, however, is the blog post version- as quick as I can make it. Continue reading “A Little Introduction- Why I Grieve”
The year after my mom’s death, I decided to get a tattoo. She would have KILLED ME.
Losing Mom had changed me emotionally, spiritually, and mentally- yet physically I remained unchanged. Something felt… off. It felt as though the exterior that had always been, no longer matched who I was on the inside. I had an overwhelming desperation for a physical reminder of her. I could feel the missing her on my skin. Continue reading “Grief and Tattoos”
I am a born and bred perfectionist.
Like, it was a problem my parents had to really monitor when I was a kid. Apparently I would completely lose it if I drew something and it didn’t come out looking realistic… when I was four. Pretty sure those bluebirds were gonna look like blobs no matter how hard I tried.
I have a vivid memory from when I was just a little one. I don’t recall what the spark was, but I was alone in my room, organizing my stuffed animals (because what kid doesn’t organize their belongings for fun?!), and I found myself getting so frustrated with myself and my inability to have complete control. The specifics of the memory are so overpowered by this raw sense of desperate frustration and anger. Just by thinking about it, I can recall those feelings into my body, they are so strong and I think, in some ways, inherent in who I am. Continue reading “Perfectionism and Grief Cannot Coexist”
There are so many ways for it to come up.
He asks about my tattoo- what it says, what it means. He asks why I moved to Nashville. He asks what I do for work, or what I dream to do one day. He asks about my family. He casually text “How are you doing today?” on the anniversary of my mom’s death. (This really happened!) It all leads back to my mom. And what if I’m not ready to tell this story? To a stranger, no less?
I’m talking first dates, loves. Dating in the midst of the grieving process can be SO HARD. Continue reading “Do I Talk About Grief on a First Date?”
Back in October of 2015, when my mom had just started to be gravely ill, I worked in a restaurant. It was an amazing place to be, but sometimes the nights could be slow. It was a hard time in my life to have hours on end without any kind of mental diversion.
When something terrible happens, it makes sense that we would want to block those memories out, avoid them at all costs. Who wants to revisit that? And dwelling has gotten itself such a bad rep. Our reasons to try to push those memories down until they are buried so deep inside of us that we never have to confront them again are unlimited. Continue reading “Grief and the Fear of Memories”
I’m honestly not quite sure what to write this week- because things have been hectic and busy and, well, good. But I think that all this goodness has an incredibly powerful foundation. The abandonment of fear. Continue reading “Abandoning Fear, Facing Grief”
I was scrolling through my instagram the other day, when I came across an absolutely gorgeous picture of one of my dear friends. Looking at her smiling face, set in front of a beautiful backdrop, it suddenly dawned on me that, though she and I have helped each other through similarly traumatic life experiences, she rarely posts publicly about her personal life. Her feed is mostly exciting images of her recent adventures, and she looks lovely and happy in all of them. I got so insanely jealous.
This realization that our feeds are so different from each others’ made me feel embarrassed and ashamed. Continue reading “Can I Talk About Grief on Social Media?”