On the advice of a wonderfully wise fellow writer, I suppose I ought to reveal to you all the source of my own grief. While the telling of the whole story is something I’ve never attempted, I am sure I could fill a book with the ups and downs of my mom’s illness, her passing, and the beginning of my grief. Here, however, is the blog post version- as quick as I can make it. Continue reading “A Little Introduction- Why I Grieve”
I’ve been writing publicly for almost a year now… yikes! Though it never gets easier, I think it’s safe to say that I have had some good practice in opening myself up to whatever scrutiny, misunderstanding, or judgment may come.
And you know what?
Nothing. happened. I waited for the moment someone would call me out, to say I had made allll the mistakes with my writing or my choices or my beliefs. No one told me I was wrong. Nobody told me I was weak or stupid. In fact, the opposite happened. I had you sharing your stories with me, opening up, and giving me back all that honesty I had put out.
Phew. It’s been awhile, huh?
Thank you for allowing me to take some time for myself during this start to the year. What a whirlwind it’s been. I wanted to write so many times about all the things I was experiencing and practicing and struggling with- but this past month and a half has been rather a lot like a mountain climb. Okay, maybe a hill climb. We certainly ain’t at the top of a mountain yet! But what I mean is that, while you’re on the trail, pushing through the uphill battle and the distance through the woods, you don’t exactly get a lot of perspective on where you’re going- or where you started out for that matter. It’s just trusting forward momentum and hoping that it won’t fade. After about a month and a half of serious steps forward, I feel like I’m finally able to get some lay of the land!
This is the most direction I’ve had since Mom died. Continue reading “I’m Back!”
I LOVE NEW YEARS.
I love a time devoted to diving inward to find more clarity and renewed insight into your hopes for the future. It’s a good time to see how far you’ve come and practice being gentle with yourself.
I sat in my window seat on the plane ride home, scribbling furiously in my journal about 2018… Continue reading “Grief Does Not Define My Life”
I messed up. I had one too many drinks and I ended up doing something stupid and said some really not nice things to a friend. I hate sharing this, but in some ways it feels like I owe it to y’all to show up to this work with honesty. I’m not here to tell you that I get everything right.
Continue reading “What Happens When Grief Gets the Better of You?”
I used to think I wasn’t allowed to talk about my mom after she died. Maybe I didn’t literally have that thought, but my decisions and actions certainly reveal that… subconsciously, I did. I thought it would make other people feel uncomfortable, and that it was unfair TO THEM to make them feel uneasy or awkward. What. The. Hell.
Continue reading “Not Every Memory Has to be About Grief”
This is going to be a short, candid one this week, my loves. No editing, just straight from my brain to the keyboard. With the arrival of plenty of painful anniversaries and memories, I’ve gone into a period of consuming rather than creating.
Just like the natural world follows a natural ebb and flow of rest and productivity, so too does our need to give and take follow a pattern. Continue reading “So Grief Changes Your Plans- Now What?”
The year after my mom’s death, I decided to get a tattoo. She would have KILLED ME.
Losing Mom had changed me emotionally, spiritually, and mentally- yet physically I remained unchanged. Something felt… off. It felt as though the exterior that had always been, no longer matched who I was on the inside. I had an overwhelming desperation for a physical reminder of her. I could feel the missing her on my skin. Continue reading “Grief and Tattoos”
I am a born and bred perfectionist.
Like, it was a problem my parents had to really monitor when I was a kid. Apparently I would completely lose it if I drew something and it didn’t come out looking realistic… when I was four. Pretty sure those bluebirds were gonna look like blobs no matter how hard I tried.
I have a vivid memory from when I was just a little one. I don’t recall what the spark was, but I was alone in my room, organizing my stuffed animals (because what kid doesn’t organize their belongings for fun?!), and I found myself getting so frustrated with myself and my inability to have complete control. The specifics of the memory are so overpowered by this raw sense of desperate frustration and anger. Just by thinking about it, I can recall those feelings into my body, they are so strong and I think, in some ways, inherent in who I am. Continue reading “Perfectionism and Grief Cannot Coexist”
There are so many ways for it to come up.
He asks about my tattoo- what it says, what it means. He asks why I moved to Nashville. He asks what I do for work, or what I dream to do one day. He asks about my family. He casually text “How are you doing today?” on the anniversary of my mom’s death. (This really happened!) It all leads back to my mom. And what if I’m not ready to tell this story? To a stranger, no less?
I’m talking first dates, loves. Dating in the midst of the grieving process can be SO HARD. Continue reading “Do I Talk About Grief on a First Date?”
Back in October of 2015, when my mom had just started to be gravely ill, I worked in a restaurant. It was an amazing place to be, but sometimes the nights could be slow. It was a hard time in my life to have hours on end without any kind of mental diversion.