Build and ReBuild

It never stops, does it? Just when you think you’ve got a handle on things, something else comes up. So what is better? Ride that triumphant high during the good times? Or stay steady, don’t get too riled up with excitement? I just don’t know the answer to that one quite yet. A consistent kind of contentment would be nice, but what about exhilaration? What about elation? Those are such wonderful feelings… and yet the fall is always rougher from a greater height.

I’m sounding so dire. Really, everything will be fine. Well… it won’t be fine, but that’s kind of life. Illness happens, as we all understand a little more clearly this year. I am sure I’m not the only person experiencing major life changes because of it. 

Dealing with those changes in the present seems tolerable. To me, at least. I just put my head down and muscle right through. Nothing to do but make good of your situation. It’s the effects the current problem will have on the future that really scares me… maybe because I’ve seen stuff like this continue to fuck up my life for years even after it is technically… “over.” 

Enough of being obtuse, my grandfather is sick. Really sick, and with it comes a huge responsibility to my family. I am the only child of a deceased only child. At this point, I’m literally the only “immediate family” member they’ve got left. Of course that means I have to, and want to, step up. 

And yet… it scares me. The last time I came home to Montana, it was to take care of my Mom while she was dying. That didn’t have the best outcome, now did it? Of course I’m scared. And then I think about how long it took me to feel even remotely better after she was gone, it changed my behavior and my choices and my capabilities… and I am afraid to have that happen again. Afterwards, four years ago, my dad let me escape to Nashville to let me lick my wounds in private. But this time, because of our family farm, there are more logistics involved. I’ve got more of a task here. No time for wound licking, winter is coming and it will come fast. 

I know I can only take things day by day. That’s all we can ever really do in this life. You can make all the plans you want, but they are always going to end up changing. Dad loves to remind me of that. 

Then, in that train of thought, I reach the wall I always come to, the one that this blog is all about. 
How do I make plans when it all feels so out of my control? WHY would I? I know this is what being in my 20s is supposed to be all about- setting goals, creating a life, making plans. It’s hard to do so when that task feels futile. Feels more like being told to build a sand castle near the water at low tide with only a few minutes before the water begins to rise again. I keep on trying to build.