I am TIRED of putting others’ feelings before my own in every single interaction, ever. It seems to be my modus operandi and that’s just… some bullshit. I am EXHAUSTED and BURNT OUT and I have decided I am NOT DOING IT ANYMORE. This ain’t gonna be pretty- but it needed to happen.
Today I got caught in the middle of a petty disagreement about money that has nothing to do with me. Seriously. Seriously? After the week I have had? I mean, allllll parties agree that I am not the problem here. This simply cannot be added to my plate right now. With my grandfather’s near death and declining health, being in the middle of a cross country move about which I have mixed feelings, and the condition of the world around me, I have no energy or mental space for bullshit. Sorry guys, I’m gonna cuss today.
So, I finally put my foot down. I’m tired of being exploited and overlooked and overwhelmed. People talk to me like that because they are accustomed to me rolling over and submitting in the face of conflict. We are at the point at which they just assume it, now.
And you know what? It’s all my fault. I allowed the abuse. I allowed people to treat me that way.
Y’all, I just sent this man a nice card in the mail– it had a picture of crystals on the front and said “sometimes life can be rocky.” I added a handwritten note, and I remember the last line I wrote. “I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel, even though it may be distant right now.” He texted to thank me yesterday, and now he yells at me and demeans me today. For an issue that I should have no place in. LIKE, WHAT?!
I won’t tolerate that anymore.
This is not who I want to be.
We see the qualities of being self-effacing and self-sacrificing and magnanimous and tactful and gracious and considerate as all being lovely qualities. They are only lovely to a certain degree. When they become dishonest, they become poison. Not just for you, but also for everyone in your sphere.
I needed to realize that there is a difference between being mean and being upfront. I used to see it all as Capitol Letters, In Bold, MEAN. I thought it’s my fault if people get upset. It’s not. It is not mean to tell someone that their behavior is unacceptable.
I was raised to be strong, but I confused the meaning of strength.
I thought I was strong because I tried to endure other people being shitty (and all the shitty things that have happened to me) with grace and a head held high. What I really needed to learn is that strength means standing your ground. One of those things is cowardly. One is courageous. I have had enough FREAKING HARDSHIP. If people want to wantonly add to that (because they’re used to being able to with me) then they’re in for a surprise.
If you are like me, and you spend your time worrying about upsetting people and making them mad at you (within reason okay, like if you’re a crap human, then maybe the problem IS you… but if IT IS NOT), just remember that you’re actually being dishonest. If you approach the people you love with honesty and then they reject you for it? I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, but they don’t love you back. Not the real you. You deserve their consideration and respect, too.
But first, give it to yourself.